Deadpool vs XIII
by MarluxiaSasakiDoom
Summary: Deadpool encounters Lightning and the L'cie. They fight. Crazy stuff happens. Pizza. Cheesepuffs. Sexy babes. Written by me Deadpool. Yep this is a description. Why are you still reading this ? Stop right now.


Deadpool sat on the couch of his apartment which he got after staring in Spider-Man Shattered Dimensions as the Ultamite version of himself. He was currently watching X-men Origins : Wolverine, and had watched up to the part where Wolverine fought Weapon XI.

He was a strange person and a skilled mercenary. He wore a red outfit that coverd his whole body and a mask that corved the whole of his face that, thankfully, didnt let out a single detail of what he looked like underneath it. On his belt he had two hand gun's and a few knifes. On his back he had two katanas and a telportation device around his chest.(and no I AM NOT A NINJA SPIDER-MAN !)

"Deadpool ! Ive got a job from someone for you to do !" Weasel, Deadpool's partner and best friend said coming into the room.

"Tell them Im busy ! The part where im in the movie has come up !" Deadpool replied throwing a beer can he got from no where at him.

"Okay then...i'll tell them you'll be just a few minutes...wait to you see the end...hahaha oww !"

"Shut up !"

"Fine !" Weasel replied and left the room. He then heard Deadpool's reaction to getting killed in the movie .

"What NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! How can i be killed ! By Wolverine bub ! And without even Breaking the fourth wall ! Okay calm down. Its just that loser Ryan Renylonds version of you. Stay calm. HAAAARGHHHHHHH !" Deadpool screamed as pulled out his gun and shot the TV a few times."Damn i forgot there making a spin movie with me as the main character. Oh well i can allways buy a new TV then."

"Deadpool why the fuck have you shot up the TV ?"

"They killed me in movie and i got mad. Wait to i find out who directed that movie, i'll kick their ass with and throw them into the fourth wall. When i find out how to leave the Marvel UNIVERSE THat is. And look the author just made a mistake !"

"Anyway here's the phone. Some army called PSICOM have a job for you." Weasel said handing over the phone.

"PSICOM ? Arent they that army of loser's from Final Fantasy 13 ? Hello its Deadpool, the merc with the mouth, who is this and why should i work for you idoits ?" Deadpool asked upon reciving the phone.

"Mr Deadpool ? This is Lieuteant Colonel Yaag Rosch of PSICOM." the caller replied.

"Your the Saix look like who flys the Proudclad ?" Deadpool asked mockingly.

"Proud clod. With have job for you that involves you assissanting 6 enemys of Coccon. Pulse L'cie"

"Hmm, how much do i get payed and do i get insurence ? Because the last job i took endend with Hulk landing on top of me. And that was painful !" Deadpool snorted down the phone.

"You'll be payed a modest sum."

"Wait you said 6. I thought that hot cute chick Serah was one ?" Deadpool asked again.

"How do you know ?" Rosch asked confused at how he knew."

"I finished the game. And things end badly for you. Too bad this is a non canon fanfiction. You should get health insurence !"

"So do you accept ?"

"I'll take the job. I guess the writer will come up with a way that gets me to Coccon from the Marvel version Earth. See you in the part of the story then im going to watch Bea Arthur untill then." Deadpool replied and cut off the phone. He turned back to see the TV was smashed."Oh i forgot i shot it !"

"So you've taken the job then ?" Weasel asked coming back into the room.(i didnt even know he left)

"Yep. Hey is that last piece of pizza ?" Deadpool asked noticing Weasel had a slice of pizza.

"Yeah why ?" Weasel replied but saw him drawing his gun. He shot Weasel in the leg.

"ooops" Was all Deadpool said as Weasel fell down.

"Why the fuck did you shoot me ?" Weasel screamed in pain as hit the floor. Deadpool walked over and took the slice of pizza and took his mask off to eat it.

"The last slice of pizza is allways mine !" Deadpool snorted before eating it.

* * *

><p><strong>Let that be a lesson to you all ! I Deadpool do not like people stealing the last bit of any type of food. Like when Weasel ate the last cheesy puff ! And now back to the story !<strong>

* * *

><p>"Deadpool ? How did you get here so fast ?" Rosch asked shocked when he saw Deadpool randomly apear in the room.<p>

"Well it went somthing like this : I asked spidey to shot me up into the air using his web, which happily did, i caught onto the Silver Surfer's board and asked for him to bring me here. When i got here i jumped off and landed in Bodhum. Missing the sea completly. I then ran, stole one of those floating thing and flew here and used this thing on my chest to telport me in here. And that bang you might of heard a few mintes ago was the floating thing blowing up." Deadpool explained with stupid detail.

"Well your here then. So i might aswell brief you." Rosch said and took out a remote and turned on a screen.

"Yeah. Sure go ahead." Deadpool replied. As Rosch explained, Deadpool wasent paying much attention. Instead he was thinking about Morrigan Aensland, getting stabed in the arse by her was a great but painful experince.

_30 minutes latter..._

"Rosch is he hear ?"A female voice asked. A woman wearing a PSICOM officer uniform, with blonde hair and wearing glasses walked in.

"Oh my god ! Jihl Nabaat ! The character nobody likes and the one i flame about when im not reading yuri about The two sisters in this game (and this my mind you reading about right now thats in brackets, which i happen to bew shouting out loud right now. And thats the only yuri i read so dont get any strange ideas ! You wont be going into my mind again, curse you Marluxia Sasaki for reveling my secrets ! This is worse than when we acidently blew up Cleveland !) !" Deadpool blurted out

"This the merecerny you hired ?" She asked. proabably not impressed with Deadpool's first impression.

"Yes Deadpool, the mask for your task aperently..."

"Listen big bad blondy bitchy bitch. The fans hate you, i hate you, everyone hates you. I think if im seen in a fanfic with you my repuatation will drop and Marluxia Sasaki will get no reviews, so why dont you just walk back out that door ?"

"After he finish's the mission im going to have him shot, so dont worry about paying him Rosch." Jihl said, trying to imdimdate the mercenary. It failed of cause.

"Hey come over to this window then. I have somthing to show you..." Deadpool said, guesting his hand over to the window.

"Here ?" She asked after walking over.

"Yep stand right there..."

"Why ?"

"Just wait a minute"

"This is annoying..." Jihl muttered and turned round for a huge shock.

"SHORYUKEN !" Deadpool shouted as he used his famous street fighter like move on Jihl. He knocked her out of the window and sent her falling down to a painful death. He looked out the window and saw the corpse of Jihl."Whoa... thats like a cheap b horror movie !"

"Deadpool ! What the hell!" Rosch asked standing up, shocked with what had jusy happened.

"What ? I just say Dysley the trouble of killing her in chapter 9 ! This is just a fanfiction crossover anyway! It's not like this'll effect the real story line !" Deadpool explained, with Rosch not even knowing what he was talking about.

"What the hell are you talking about ? And your getting paid more now."

"Great now... just tell me where to find the L'cie. Before i break the fourth wall again. It's goona collapse any moment i tell ya !"

"In Palumpolum..."

"Good." Deadpool said and left the room, and started to sing some random song as he did the moon walk."Do the walk, do the talk Don't get fooled, go to school Do the watch, do the touch sing a song and sing you have Gimme a gun, do me the bed Don't be shy, do not lie Do not cry, do not shout Do not do it, never do it !"

"Somehow i think im going to regret hiring him..." Rosch said sitting back down.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey FinalFantasy and Marvel fans ! Its me, the merc with a mouth Deadpool again. In case you dont know what i was singing its my theme from MVC3 ! And now back to the story. <strong>

* * *

><p>Deadpool stood on top of the Estheim house looking down at his targets.(Oh and readers, i dont know how i got here this quick.) He drew both his katans and walked over to the glass window, waiting to come up with a decent line when he jumped in and killed them. "What should i say ? I am Deadpool welcome to die hahahahahha ! Nah, too Magneto like."<p>

"So what then ? Are we surposed to just smile and eat a bullet ?That means you too." Fang said to Hope's father. She was 21 years old, had black crimson wild hair , wore a blue dress and carried a spear. (I could eat a bullet, though it wouldnt be tasty)

"I know im part of this. Im on your side of the fence." Hope's father replied to her

"Coming here was a bad idea." Hope said. He was 14 years old he wore short-sleeved orange and yellow jacket, a green neckerchief over a black shirt, and black gloves with white palms. He also wears deep green pants, a black storage pack hanging from a black belt over his left leg, and light green Doc-Marten style boots.

(im betting the author justt copied this from some website)

"Screw this 'll just re-use a line !" Deadpool said and go into postion.

"We'll take down the Sanctum and save Coccon !" Snow added. He was 21 and wore black bandanna, black gloves, large gray boots, a light blue vest and a striped blue scarf hanging from a belt under a long beige trench coat

"Take down the Sanctum and Coocon will erupt into chaos." Lightning added. She was 21 too and she wore a uniform for the Guardian Corps, based around a sleeveless white overcoat over a brown turtleneck-like shirt and green metallic pauldron with yellow stripes symbolizing her rank as a sergeant. Notably, she also wears a red cape attached to her back on the left side, a long black sleeve over her left arm, knee-high leather boots, and a brown mini-skirt over high-topped black shorts.

(you can easily tell he copied that from a website, oh well he goes my grand entrance !)

"BAAAANNNNNZZZZIIIII !" Deadpool screamed jumping through the window with both his katanas aiming down.

"MOVE !" Lightning said pushing Hope and Snow out the way, drawing her Blaze Edge and cutting Deadpool's arm off when he hit the ground.

"That is so not cool ! Its just like Hulk vs Wolverine again ! Damn you Sasaki for reapeting this scene ! Will you all kindly wait while take care of this ?" Deadpool said walking over and picking his cut off arm. Lightning and the other L'cie just staired blankly at him as he took his arm and reatached it completely. Getting back up, he picked up his katanas

"Who are you ?" Lightning demmanded.

"The anti hero for hire ! The mask for your task ! The guy who wont die ! Deadpool !" He replied coping his speech from Shattered Dimensions.

"..." Lightning asked, not impressed

"The name means a betting pool with who's going to die ! Just be glad Deathstroke, or you'd have to suffer banter form another former soldier, back to my speech yet ! Now where was I ? Ah yes : And rememeber i avilable for Black Ops, Assinssination and Birthday Partys ! Only for my fans though. And sexy cute pink haired seeres school teahces who won't be appearing in this."

"Let me guess : PSICOM hired you ?" Fang asked.

"Yep you got that right. Now lets start this thing again !" Deadpool said and pulled out a hand gun from no where. Which was aparently his favorite gun. Before he could fire it Lightning had cut it in half with her Blazer Edge. "NOOOOO NOOOOTTTT MY FAVORRITE GUUUUUN AGAIN !" Deadpool screamed in slow motion, which was straneg to everyone else in the room.

"You know, PSICOM has let its standads drop hiring an idoit like you." Lightning snorted insultingly at Deadpool. He replied by jumping in the area and pulling out a grenade

"Pineapple surprise !" Deadpool shouted thorwing the grenade at Lightning. It blew her across the room.

"Why dont you got back under your rock!" Fang shouted and attacked him, as he drew two handguns.

"Whahoa ! Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang !" Deadpool shouted sarcasticly as he fired his two beretta M9's at Fang. She managed to block all the bullets with her spear.

"You know what ? Im gonna use an Optic Blast on you , while screaming like im in a super sayian transformation sequence !" Deadpool screamed as he tried to use an optic blast on Fang. The only thing that happened though... was nothing."Okay... THAT MOVIE WAS SHIT ! IT LIED ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO USE OPTIC BLASTS ! WHY MUST CREIDABLE WRITERS FORSAKEN ME !"

"Your... really strange you know that ?" Snow said walking over and taking his battle stance. Deadpool regained his normal wackyness and got up.

"Strange ? I'll show you strange ! Boop-boop-de-doop!" Deadpool sang like a girl and took a sexy pose. Somehow this got Snow to lower his defences.

"Snow ? What the hell are you doing ?"

"I dont know... lets just take care of his nutjob !"Snow said and charged at him but noticed Deadpool picking somthing up that looked like a health bar from a video game

"HEALTH BAR IN YOUR FACE !" He shouted smashing it into Snow's face" Feel the love of the hyper combo !" He picked up again and hit Snow flying across the room with it, hit Fang aswell and knocked them flying into Hope's father." And its a HOOOOOMMMMEEEE RUUUUUUUUUNNNNN ! This is the hyper combo !"

Hope got into his fightning stance and steped in front of Deadpool.

"Are you kidding me ? Not this annoying brat, your almost worse than Justin Bieber !"

"I can fight too and -"

"Fine." Deadpool said and shot Hope in both his legs, knocking him to the ground."And yes your going to die ! Bang ! Just kidding !" Deadpool said as he pointed his gun at Hope's head."I bet your a bedwetter just like Weasel and Omega Red !" Then some god like monster knocked Deadpool away from Hope. He looked to Lightning next to it.(he looked to lightning next to it ? what the hell ?)

"Ive had it with you!" Lightning shouted as Odin came down next to her.

"What ! No one told me she could had a full ATB bar !"

"The storm is here !" Lightning shouted as she took its blade's and jumped into the air with them spining round with them. The shockwave of it knocked Deadpool flying out of Hope's house.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAA !" Deadpool screamed as he went flying. He landed in a dustbin."Out of the things i could of landed in it had to be a dustbin ! What the hell is that smell ? Argh god thats horrible. Anyway better get back to that house !" And with that he activated his telporting device that took him back to the Estheim estate.

"How did you get back here ?" Lightning asked shocked as he reapered in the room.

"Its called a telporter. Dosent work exactly right in the main stream comics but since this is a cross over it can !" Deadpool replied

"Main stream comics ? What the -" Snow said but was cut off by Deadpool's ranting mouth.

"WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION NUMBNUTS ?" Deadpool replied mockingly. Lightning then shot him a copple of time in the chest and once in the heart and he fell down to the ground.

"Lets see you get back up now !"

"That really stung you know !" Deadpool said getting back upand pulling out the bullet that was in his heart."Why so shocked ? If you read my comics you'd know i cant die ! Wernt you listening eariler !"

"How did- !" Lightning was going ask shocked but then PSICOM soldiers brock into the house and attacked them.

"Wait i dont rememeber hearing about these guys coming- oh yeah it was probabaly when i wasent listening Rosch earlier !" Deadpool stated and steped back. "Well since these Jin-roh ripoff guys are here... bathroom break !" He shouted and ran to the toilet, there he pulled out the bullets Lightning had shot him with."Ow ! I gotta get me one of those gunblades ! Now for a sheet !"

_A few minutes latter..._

_Thats them taken care of. Now where's that moron ?_ Lightning wondered when Deadpool reapered, probably by using his telportation device. He was in front of them ready to fight but was looking in the wrong direction, plus he had a toliet roll in his hand.

"Boo-yeah! Ha! Huh! Jab! Jab! Bring it-! Oh. Wrong way." Deadpool said doing many different moves before reailising his mistake. He then pulled two Mac 10's out of his holster's and started firing at Lightning. She ran and blocked all of his bullets.

"That all you got ?" She asked smugly.

"Nope." Deadpool threw the toliet roll at her, which just bounced off her head."You know, i really thought that would of worked a lot better than it did. Okay then. Anime Power Up time !"Deadpool screamed and started firing at her again, without even reloading, never ruuning out of bullets. Lightning manged to blocck some of them but she wouldnt be able carry on for long. Fang attacked Deadpool and knocked both guns from him.

"Light you ok ?" She asked jumping back from Deadpool as he drew both his katanas.

"Now im the best at whatever it is Wolverine does ! Lets dance !" Deadpool shouted jumping at them slashing them both with his blades. They manged to block his attack."Wait to you see what the yellow text box told me do to you !"

Deadpool slamed both of his katanas into Lightning's feet, pulled his gun out and shot her. She fell back but was still alive. He then knocked Fang's spear away and stabed her in the stomack. She was still alive too.

"You know its not even over yet because it never ends that easy. NEVER ! And was all still alive stuff in senteance above this one a reffernce to Portal and GLaDoS ?" Deadpool said and jumped back as Lightning got back up."I have an idea : Since im getting tired of this fight and the author's running out of ideas how about you leave without been seen. I say your dead, get payed, leave and then you carry on with whatever you focus is."

"Will have to put up with you again ?" Lightning asked, fed up with the merc with a mouth.

"Nope. Unless there's a sequel. Or someone writes a story about you and Deathstroke, since he looks like me." Deadpool replied.

"Fine then. I'll take out all those PSICOM guys. All of you just leave." Deadpool said and walked out the smashed window to see about 40 PSICOM soldiers." Ive got move to try out on all of you. MERC'S REVENEGE !" He scraemd and jumped up into the air with both his Mac 10's shooting them all. When he hit the ground he span round and shot more of them. He took out his katanas and decapitated and impaled the reamining soldiers." Yep only Solid Snake or Big Boss could do somthing as bad ass as that!"

Deadpool hit his telporter and returned to the PSICOM base. Rosch was there in his office.

"So have you elminated them ?" Rosch asked.

"Yep. Their dead. Do i get payed now ?" Deadpool replied

"Its already been sent to your friend Weasel."

"Really ? I wonder how considering its in another universe but theres not point in argueing." Deadpool said and went to leave.

"Sir the L'cie have surivied !" A voice over an intercom

"You failed you idoit !" Rosch shouted and drew his rapier. Deadpool just turned round and shot him in the stomack.

"You would of gotten shot anyway. At least i just shot you with a handgun." Deadpool said and hit his telporter again, leaving Rosch on the floor.(Seriously, he would off

* * *

><p><strong>Well this is the final part of the story now. Somehow i get back to the main stream Marvel Earth. I think i might of stole a Skurll ship and crashed it into Taskmaster's house on the way back, but anyway here's the ending !<strong>

* * *

><p>"Im back Weasel. Man im glad i took that mission, i got to see two sexy women and i chose this fanfiction instead of the Super Hero Squad Show." Deadpool said as he entered his apartment. He noitced there was a new TV now.<p>

"I brought a new TV with the money you got from that mission." Weasel said, he had a bag of cheap cheesy puffs.

"Right on. This one's a lot bigger. Like that pink haired girl's boobs."

"Whatever you say Deadpool." Weasel replied, Deadpool thn noticed that Weasel had some cheesy puufs.

"Is that the last cheesy puff ?" Deadpool asked he saw Weasel take it out the bag of chessy puffs.

"Yeah. So what ?"

"You realy havent learnt yet have you ?" Deadpool said and shot Weasel in the leg. He then eat the cheesy puff.

"Why the hell did you shoot me again ?" Weasel asked as fell to the ground. Deadpool just walked back to the couch, sat down and turned on the TV.

"Like i said. The last cheesy puff or any type of food is allways mine !"


End file.
